


Who Let You On The Moon

by bobafiend



Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Batfamily, Batfamily Shenanigans, Chaos, Crack, Fluff, Gen, Humor, batfam, bruce needs a nap, geez so many characters, mod em wrote and mod claire betad, this easily has more chaotic energy than anything i've ever written
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-03
Updated: 2019-04-03
Packaged: 2020-01-04 11:59:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18343250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobafiend/pseuds/bobafiend
Summary: Batman was frustrated enough over having to bring a very grounded Robin with him to the watchtower, the last thing he needed was for the rest of his kids to crash through a meeting room door on a lunar base they had no business being on.But when do things ever go the way we need them to?





	Who Let You On The Moon

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own these characters! Please don't repost my work on other sites! Enjoy!!

Batman walked down the main hallway of the watchtower with Robin in tow. Damian was technically grounded so he shouldn’t be in-costume and on the lunar Justice League station, but Bruce’s options were limited.

Alfred was incredible for just about everything under the moon, but keeping frustrated, tiny, and very much grounded vigilantes from sneaking out was not one of them. That was a job that had to be done ON the moon.

(Bruce suspected that the reason Alfred never developed this particular skill was because he wasn’t trying too hard to, but Bruce wasn’t about to say anything.)

“You shouldn’t have left the cave without my supervision, Robin, you know that.”

“You leave the cave unsupervised every night!”

“It isn’t unsupervised if I’m an adult, what you did was irresponsible.”

“Tt. You need to stop keeping such a close eye on me, father. I don’t need your babysitting.”

“Fathers are supposed to keep an eye on their kids, it’s because I care.”

Batman and his protege arrived at their destination. Pushing the doors open to the meeting room, they were met with several heads turning. Many of the league members were too nervous to ask any questions, but the Flash was never one to get socially anxious.

“Is that a kid, Batman?”

“He’s grounded for sneaking out to meet a friend. I need to keep an eye on him. He won’t cause a disruption.” Batman side-eyed the twelve-year-old as I’d to say ‘he better not’

“Oh good, maybe he can hang out with Superman’s kid in another room. Don’t need them hearing the kind of stuff we’re up against sometimes!” Flash laughed, having no idea what chaos he’d just invited into the room.

“Superman’s kid?” Batman’s voice lowered to a growl, and the room stilled.

At that moment, a boy with tousled black hair and big blue eyes popped up from below the table near where Superman was sitting.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were bringing your son, Superman?” Batman spoke barely above a whisper.

“I didn’t think is was necessary since you didn’t tell me that YOU were bringing YOUR son.” Superman spoke equally quietly, staring down the bat for a moment.

“It’s no problem, father. Superboy and I can just go wait in another room like Flash suggested.” The kid spoke slyly, daring Batman to challenge him.

“Absolutely not, Robin. That would entirely defeat the purpose of being grounded. You sneak out without permission to meet Superboy, and you’re punished by getting to hang out with Superboy? Don’t even try.” Batman almost laughed good-naturedly at how hard his son was trying, but he had a reputation to keep up.

“Your kids are friends?” Aquaman questioned, and a few people around the table let out a little “awwww”

“I wasn’t even aware that Batman had a kid.”

And oh boy did Batman wish Green Arrow could have knocked on wood after saying that or something, because he really opened the floodgates with that one. Seven teenagers who were definitely not supposed to be on the moon fell through the door and into the meeting room.

They were dressed in vigilante uniforms and domino masks, and were looking somewhat sheepishly at Batman. The league was waiting for the bat to make an aggressive move, but instead he said:

“One if you start talking. Quickly.”

Presumably the oldest of the bunch stepped forward. He had a black suit with a blue V shape across his chest. Attractively messy black hair fell over the moderately dark skin of his forehead.

“Well you see, B, it’s a funny story,”

Batman gave him a look as if to say that it was decidedly not a funny story at all.

“We may have pissed off Alfred so we Zetad here.” The oldest conceded.

“How did you open the zeta tube to this location?” Batman inquired.

“Red Robin” most of the crew echoed back

“How did you get into the zeta tube room in the first place?”

“Red Robin”

“How did you even know how to operate a zeta tube?”

“Red Robin”

“Red Robin?”

“Red Robin.”

Batman rubbed his cowl where his temples would be.

“And what did you do to piss off Alfred?”

Someone at the back of the group chuckled. Superman, much to the league’s surprise, stood up furiously.

“Kon-El?”

The laugh culprit stepped out from behind the rest of the group. Unlike the rest of the group, he was not dressed in dark colored Kevlar with ‘tasteful’ bright accents. He wore a tight turtleneck with the Super S under a leather jacket. His hair was slightly spiked, and John Lennon style sunglasses rested low on his nose.

“Is Alfred mad at you too? You are a guest when you’re at the Bats’ house, your manners are better than this!” Superman scolded. It was this comment that started the gears turning in the heads of the other heroes. Were these- no way, they couldn’t be! There was no way Batman had this many kids.

“I see you’ve brought the hipster super-son.” Batman commented. He didn’t dislike the boy, he just didn’t want any of his sons taking style advice from him. And he was temporarily annoyed at him for other reasons.

“You’ve got to stop making fun of the kid’s style, Bats. There’s always one hipster kid in every group,” Superman protested against his friend’s teasing.

“I don’t have a hipster kid.”

“Right, you just have a baby that snuck a cow into your mansion, a disaster that spilled coffee on the president because he goes four days without sleeping, a legally dead emo kid that ran away and shoots people sometimes, and a minor celebrity with a cereal addiction that posed for Playboy just to piss you off.” Kon-El smirked unabashedly.

Knowing exactly which kid did that latter item of the list, Batman wheeled on the oldest kid that had spoken out earlier.

“You did WHAT?!”

“DUDE!” He glared at his friend for the outing.

“Young man, why did you have a Playboy magazine in the first place?” Superman scolded his eldest son once again. He turned to Batman, “I don’t like the influence that your kids are having on mine.”

“My children are the bad influences? Your son has porn magazines!”

“That we only found out about because your son was in them!”

Another person entered the room causing the chaos to escalate.

“Well, Mr. Superman, maybe I don’t like the influence that YOU are having on my kid.” An old man with a British accent sporting a black and white suit and a domino mask said to Big Blue himself.

“I’m not even your kid!” Batman protested. What the hell was going on?

“Yes, I’d forgotten. I only raised you, cook for you, bandage you and your children up when you’re hurt, and save your life on the weekly. You’ll have to forgive my mistake.” He said this with a perfectly straight face and unwavering voice.

“How did you even get up here, Alfred?” Batman had never sounded to exasperated.

“I do what I want, Batman.” The league held their breath.

“I’m assuming that all of these heathens are in trouble? So now not only is Damian grounded, but you all are too?” Batman tried to be serious, but the teenagers ended up laughing a bit.

“I am confiscating weapons. No patrol for anyone.” All seven of them groaned (including Kon for reasons unknown.)

“Nightwing, your escrima sticks?” He requested from the oldest, apparently called Nightwing, with his hand out.

“Sir, if I may, I don’t believe that Nightwing had anything to do with the situation.” Alfred offered from where he was stood near the door.

“Thank you, Alfred, but I’m mad at him anyways.”

“Ah. Did he finally found out about the indecent magazine photos?” The old man asked Nightwing directly.

“How did you know about them?” Batman interrogated incredulously.

“Red Robin informed me.”

“Is nothing sacred in this family?” Nightwing exclaimed exasperatedly.

“And you had a Playboy magazine why exactly?” Batman asked the boy standing nearest to Kon, not letting this slide.

“It wasn’t mine!” He, presumably Red Robin, insisted.

“Your staff.” Batman insisted right back.

He handed the weapon over to his father.

“Do you have anything else on you?”

“Nope!”

“You answered that too quickly. Do I need Kon to use his x-ray vision on you to check for me?”

“Dude, why would you ask his friend to check instead of Superman?” Nightwing asked.

“Dude, ‘is nothing sacred in this family?’” Red Robin mocked his brother’s earlier comment. Batman tuned out the phrase for a second time, and pressed on as if her hadn’t head it.

“Because I don’t need Superman seeing what’s under my son’s clothes, but if the scene I walked in on two days ago is any indication Kon already has.”

“DUDE!” Red Robin and Kon-El shouted in unison, turning embarrassingly red.

“Excuse me?!” Superman projected across the room.

“What’s this, replacement? I haven’t heard this story! I thought I was the troubled rebellious one!” Teased that only boy that hadn’t spoken yet. His domino mask was red, and he had a white tuft of hair at the front of his head. He had a bright red helmet tucked under one of his arms.

“You are the troubled rebellious one, Red Hood. You shoot people sometimes. Speaking of, give me your guns. You’re in trouble too.” Batman returned to his previous train of thought.

“You can’t just take my guns, B!”

“I just did.” If Batman’s eyebrows were visible underneath the cowl, one would probably be raised.

“That’s bullshit.”

“Listen I have constant guilt over letting any of you have these weapons in the first place so please hand them over so I can feel like I’m doing something right as a father!”

At the confession, one of the two girls who had entered with the group pushed forward silently. She wordlessly wrapped the Batman in a tight hug, and the room held its breath. Batman didn’t do hugs. 

He hugged her back. “Thank you, Black Bat.” She stepped away.

“Okay, not to interrupt a moment or anything but this whole scene is just starting to catch up with me. These insults are flying too fast for even me to keep up with,” the Flash laughed. “But, like five minutes ago probably, did you say that that guy, Red Hood I guess, was legally dead?”

The final member of the group spoke up. She had a high blond ponytail, and a purple hooded cloak around her shoulders.

“Um, yeah? He died but he’s fine now. A lot of us have died but we’re fine now. His death was just more public though, Bats kept the rest of ours on the down low,” She finished.

“Yeah, Spoiler’s right. We call it Club I Died But I’m Fine Now.” Nightwing said this with the casual air that someone might use to talk about a bi-monthly book club. He continued:

“Yeah, Red Hood’s death was all official though so he has one of those fancy death certificate things. He got it framed and mounted and now he nails it up in random rooms of the house for people to find.”

“Yes, the number of holes I find myself having to patch up in the walls from this particular practical joke is becoming a nuisance.” Alfred spoke up from near the door again.

“That’s...morbid.” Wonder Woman chimes in for the first time.

“Okay?” Red Hood raised a quizzical eyebrow in her direction. “Can we go back to making fun of the replacement?”

“B can’t make fun of him for getting caught with a guy if the scene I walked in on a week ago was anything to go off of.” Batman turned to glare at Nightwing. Always the gossip.

“Oh?” Red Hood leaned forward for where he had begun leaning against a wall. “I haven’t heard THAT story either!”

“You can’t move out then complain about missing the stories,” Tim complained. “Move back in or shut up.”

“This is insane,” Green Arrow stood from his chair after being silent for most of this surreal encounter.

“Batman, this is actually completely insane. This is so many kids. Was I just supposed to be able to process this all at once? You have almost as many kids as Bruce Wayne!”

Batman banged his head against a wall. Hard. Repeatedly. And with intent.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope y'all liked this chaotic little fanfic, please leave comments, I read them all! <3


End file.
